Million Dollar Mile has a Million Dollar Problem
Here in Midwest it is 8:25 PM. That means LeBron James' new show Million Dollar Mile has been on tv for exactly 25 minutes. That may come as a shock to anyone who has watched CBS in the past few months. Because there seems to be a commercial for the show during every freaking commercial break, you may have thought the show has already aired 200 times. But assure you, tonight is the premier. Even though it is not even halfway through the first episode, I have already uncovered a fatal flaw. Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with LeBron James. Although I can't stand LeDouche, he only provides the initial voice over for the show. If you haven't seen the show... then you don't have a time machine because it is actually airing right this second. I already have it all figured out. Some produces sat in a room and had a conversation something like this: "Remember the 1980s?" "Yeah!" "Remember that show American Gladiators where huge people on steroids shot tennis balls at smaller people on steroids?" "Yeah!" "Remember Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie The Running Man ?" "Yeah!" "Do you remember Ninja movies that inspired American Ninja Warrior?" "Yeah!" "Let's do that!" "Yeah! Wait... which one?" "All of them!!! At once!!!!" "Oh Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" And that is what Million Dollar Mile is. It is a combo of American Ninja Warrior + Running Man + American Gladiator. Sounds cool. Now how can they ruin it? Step one: make sure every contestant has some huge emotional backstory. They need to be running for something... not just the million dollars. They need to run to fight domestic abuse, cancer, or death. I am not freaking kidding. That was the first three contestants. They show a montage of the person training. Then they cut to a super serious song. Then they reveal the super serious challenge they are overcoming. How about for once they just say, "I just want to win so I can quit my job, ignore my friends and family and exercise for 18 hours a day... oh and steroids. I want lots of those!" But that isn't even the biggest problem. That title belongs to the host/hypeman/awkward weirdo. That is none other than.... Tim Tebow! Now if Tebow were silently chasing the contestants, that would be cool. He's a great athlete. I wouldn't mind watching him do athletic things. Do you know what I don't want to see him do? Speak! It would be more accurate to say... Yell! Because so far that is all he has done. He yells people's names and then "interviews" them. It is simply painful. This show is the reason DVRs exist. If the description sounds interesting, here's a tip: DVR it and fast forward to every race. You can watch the entire show in 15 minutes and won't have to hear Tebow struggle to ask, "Why you like money?"