As a red-blooded American male sports fan, I'm not exactly a soccer expert.
I'm aware that in most other parts of the world, soccer, or "fútbol", is ubiquitous. Maybe it is the true global sport, and it is growing in popularity here in the U.S. But in my neck of the woods, like a lot of other parts of the country, it's not nearly as common as what I somewhat tongue-in-cheek refer to as "real football", or American football.
To be honest, I've always been a little dismissive of soccer. If, like me, you don't have a strong grasp of the rules and the strategy, soccer looks like a bunch of dudes running back and forth on the field (or is it a pitch?), occasionally flopping and arguing with the ref. Call me an ignorant, know-nothing redneck if you want. Maybe that's fair; but I didn't come here for a fight. I came for answers.
I'm curious about this game that's allegedly going to be the next big thing in American sports. (Aside, of course, from eSports, but that's a story for another day.) So if you're a soccer expert, help me out here. I could Google these questions, but you don't really learn anything from search engines, do you? I want answers from the people!
I know they say there's no such thing as a stupid question, but I love to prove people wrong. So here goes.
Where are all the cheerleaders?
As someone who's got a keen eye for detail and has long been analyzing different sports, the first thing I noticed when I watched soccer on TV was: A lack of cheerleaders.
Here in the states, basketball and football have cheerleaders. You may think the cheerleaders' only job is to stand there and look pretty, but you'd be wrong. Cheerleaders are absolutely essential to the experience of attending a game. If it weren't for cheerleaders, how else would American sports fans know when to -- you know -- cheer?
(It's true that some American sports like baseball don't have cheerleaders, but that's OK, because they have the next best thing, racing sausages.)
Soccer fans don't have cheerleaders to tell them when or when not to cheer, so their answer seems to be to never stop cheering. Even when it's halftime. The few times I have seen soccer on TV, the roar from the crowd is constant, no matter what's happening. All that yelling seems dangerous. Do they sell throat lozenges in the concession stands at soccer stadiums?
With only one break, when do you watch commercials? Or go to the bathroom?
In American sports broadcast coverage, commercial breaks are basically baked into the cake. Even if no one's hurt, and no players or coaches called a timeout, the refs will abruptly blow the whistle and announce, "media timeout". That's because the owners of the team realize if they can increase the team's ad revenue by squeezing in more commercials, they can increase their net worth to equal that of Greenland.
These commercials, especially in football games, are almost always for beer and for medication marketed toward middle-aged men. Evidently, most male football fans in the states have problems performing in the bedroom, or "getting their head in the game", if you catch my drift. They also have problems with their prostate, meaning they have to make a lot of trips to the bathroom.
Since soccer matches only have one break, does that mean there's a mad rush to the bathroom at halftime? I imagine a poor little child trapped in the hallways of a stadium running for his life, like Simba during the wildebeest stampede scene in Lion King.
With only one bathroom break and a lack of commercials, I can only assume that male soccer fans have superior prostates, and don't need help from a little blue pill in the bedroom.
Why aren't floppers seriously punished?
I realize pretending to be injured, or flopping, can be entertaining, especially when it's executed so poorly, adding a touch of slapstick comedy to a match.
But isn't there a point when you want to see people who flop repeatedly seriously penalized? I'm not talking about a yellow card or some slap on the wrist.
I'm talking about a real deterrent, like a financial fine. Or a taser. Or a "Firing Squad Penalty Kick", where the guy who faked an injury one too many times stands blindfolded in front of the net, while six members of the other team kick a ball at him at once.
Those last two options may sound a bit harsh, but they would sure make great TV!
The impeccable grooming: Why does every soccer player look like he's auditioning for a cologne ad?
Seriously - who does the hair and make-up for these guys? They all look like they just wandered off the set of a soap opera.
This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it makes me wonder. Are ugly guys allowed to play professional soccer? Do they have to get plastic surgery before joining a pro club?
I'm also curious as to whether any player has ever passed up the opportunity for a header because he didn't want to mess up his hair.
Perhaps the club sponsors, whose name is written in big letters on every player's jersey, insist that the players look good while bearing their company name?
Regardless, I do have other questions, such as: You know how players slide to celebrate a goal. Well, how in the hell do they do that? People don't just slide on a surface like grass; it seems to defy the very boundaries of physics.
Also, why is the World Cup only held every four years? Is that how long it takes some of the world's best soccer players to get their hair ready?
I could go on with more questions, but if you're a true soccer fan, chances are you've developed a headache and maybe a stomach ulcer after being so brutally exposed to my ignorance. I'll put you out of your misery now.
You may still think I'm a redneck, but at least I'm an ignorant, know-nothing curious redneck!
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