Almost 3 months ago to the day, England were gearing up for arguably their biggest international football match of the 21st century, a World Cup semi-final against Croatia at the Luzhniki Stadium in Moscow.
To say that the nation's football fans were excited about the occasion would be an understatement. The whole country, sports fans or not, were gripped by World Cup fever. Crosses of Saint George hung from bedroom windows and car doors alike, people stocked up on beer and BBQ supplies for "the big match" as if there were a coming zombie apocalypse and school children argued in the playground over who would win in a fight between Harry Kane and Superman.
All this excitement makes the events of yesterday's match against the same opposition, a group game in the newly formed UEFA Nations League, even more strange. The game itself was played behind closed doors at the Stadion Rujevica as a result of a UEFA ban imposed on Croatia dating back to 2016. Then, in a World Cup qualifier match against Italy, a swastika had been emblazoned upon the pitch and despite the Croatian authorities condemnation of the act, the footballing powers that be decided that as punishment the Croats would need to play their next 2 home games without a watching crowd. Unfortunately, since that ban was imposed over 2 years ago, Croatia have only played 1 competitive home international and as such England were the fortunate/unfortunate side to play their game on Friday in front of an official crowd of 0!
Some of you may have read one of @Mikey's recent posts in which he critiques the idea of draws in sports. As this game finished 0-0 with both sides mustering a total of 5 shots on target (although England did hit the frame of the goal twice), it won't have gone anyway to making a plausible argument from a sporting point of view that such results are entertaining. However, the game itself did provide some distinctly strange, weird and just downright comical moments throughout. I've never been to Croatia and I can't claim to know any Croatian people but a very large part of me hopes that these actions were deliberate and part of some sort of massive practical joke that demonstrates that this little country on the Adriatic coast has one of the sharpest and simultaneously darkest senses of humor in the world.
Men in Hi-Vis jackets keep "crowd" in check
Why on earth would the Croatian FA pay for stewards to stand guard over stands that were completely empty? Health and Safety regulations in the modern world have already gone a bit doolally but this one seems to take the biscuit. As a University student, I once took a temp job that involved working as a steward at football games. We were always under strict instructions not to watch the game and to only watch the crowd. The real icing on the cake would have been to see this guy just standing and staring at empty seats for 90mins in case a scuffle broke out between inanimate plastic objects.
Don't forget your match day programme
I would love to get my hands on one of these and read what was actually written inside. Imagine being the poor team responsible for producing them! Presumably, a small area of the Amazon rainforest had been cleared in order to make a match day programme that is now in the bin!
Of course, if you have managed to get your hands on one then you might be sitting on a miniature goldmine, with programmes already being traded for upwards of £20.00 on eBay!
The match announcer did a fantastic job with the PA system
Perhaps someone needs to explain to the stadium operators that PA stands for Public Address and where there is no public within earshot of the system then very much like a steward watching a stand with no people in it, it becomes rather redundant. It was of course very kind of the Croatian FA to announce the England team over the PA system and remind them all what their names are. God knows that no one has ever accused footballers of being clever so I'd guess they appreciate the reassurance of knowing who they are and what they are doing!
<grammarly-btn>As shown above, Dutch international and Manchester United reject Memphis Depay did once turn up for a game wearing the wrong shirt! The Netherlands were playing the Czech Republic at the time despite Depay wearing a shirt for their game against Iceland with an entirely different flag and date on it. Fortunately, a lost and confused Depay didn't wander onto the pitch and try and play for England (we're not that desperate!) thanks in large to the excellent work of the stadium announcer and his PA system.
Anthems and mascots still required
In a packed stadium with fanatical support singing at the tops of their voices as the national anthem is being played, the average sports star can rest easy in the knowledge that their half-baked attempt at mumbling the first few words of "God Save the Queen" will be drowned out by the masses and we will be none the wiser to their complete ineptitude. Things aren't so easy when it's just you and 10 other guys standing in a line. When the music started playing the other England players began glancing nervously at Harry Maguire and hoping that he would pound out the anthem with the same volume and vigor with which he sang "Girls just wanna have fun" in the hotel bar the night before after 5 pints of Czech lager and a Jager Bomb!
And what about the child mascots? I'd assume under normal circumstances they'd get to sit down and watch the match after having accompanied the players out to the middle. This is a weird enough ritual at the best of times but presumably, these kids gave up their Friday night to walk hand in hand with an international footballer into an empty stadium and listen to them deliver a terrible rendition of their national anthem only to then be turfed out on their ear into the cold Croatian night. Thanks Mum! What have you got planned for next week? A VIP tour of the box making factory?
Thank you, Croatia, UEFA and sports administrators around Europe for producing this ridiculous yet somewhat amusing waste of time.
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