And Boom Goes the Dynamite. NBA Draft Lottery Shocker!
Hear that noise? It is the sound of the hopes and dreams of the fan bases of twelve NBA franchises crashing to the ground, exploding, catching fire, exploding again, then getting urinated on, then catching fire again, before pathetically fizzling out. Earlier tonight, the freaking New Orleans Pelicans won the Zion Williamson lottery. Actual footage of Zion Williamson after learning he would have to play for the Pelicans. This news was especially terrible for those NBA franchises who spent teh second half of the season purposely losing in order to have the best shot at landing the biggest prize of teh past decade. It was equally bad for teh Chicago Bulls who are so horrendous that they can't even lose when they are trying to. The Bulls finished with the 4th worst record... which kept them from having the maximum chance to land the only thing that can save their franchise from decades of pathetic mismanagement. However, it turns out that having the best chance to finish number one did not matter this year. That honor was shared by the Knicks, Cavaliers and Suns. Even with all of the effort they put into super sucking, those three teams finished with the 3rd, 5th and 6th picks respectively. The Bulls landed the coveted fairly useless 7th spot. That means that two teams made huge jumps in order to land the top two spots. Now we will all get to see Zion play for teh next 3 seasons in... New Orleans!!!! More actual footage of Zion Williamson after learning he would have to play for the Pelicans. Why three seasons? That is how many he will last before inevitably demanding a trade. No one wants to play for the freaking Pelicans. Just look at their mascot. Be afraid. Be very afraid. What makes this even more devastating hilarious is that several of the teams in the running for Zion were rumored to be hoping to land his rights so they could trade him for Anthony Davis of... the freaking Pelicans! So now all of those dreams are also dead. It might be cool if Davis and Zion teamed up, but is it realistic for Davis to go back to a team he completely quit on? This does open up the possibility of New York drafting then trading the rights to R.J. Barrett to the Pelicans for Anthony Davis. Then the former Blue Devils can pick right back up where they left off. Losing. Freaking New Orleans.