NBA / funny
NBA Shocker! Silver Hands Out Season Altering Punishment to 11 Teams.
NBA Commissioner and Nosferatu Adam Silver has done it again! This is Adam Silver's reaction when his chalice of blood is too cold. Now imagine how angry he was when he found out what these teams were trying to do. Proving once again that he is by far the most progressive commissioner in all of sports, Silver has decided to make a radical change less than four weeks before the NBA playoffs start. In a shocking move, Silver has banned the Timberwolves, Kings, Clippers and Jazz from competing in any more games this season. He handed out a similar yet lesser punishment to Knicks, Bucks, Nets, Wizards, Hornets, Pelicans and Thunder. These teams will only be able to play four players at a time for the remainder of the season. In addition, members of these teams will only be allowed to shoot with their off hand. What crime did over one third of the league commit? Tampering In what is sure to become the biggest scandal in the history of the NBA, Silver (who is not only a member of the undead, but also the judge, jury, and executioner of NBA discipline) has unleashed his unholy rage on these despicable teams. Speaking from the incredibly dark basement of his super creepy and ancient mansion, Silver explained that these teams were all tampering with LeBron James' efforts to reach, and then flop around during, the NBA Playoffs. How will I possibly be able to ring in summer without three months of LeBron flopping leading up to it? After quenching his thirst with what can only hope was a goblet of warm, fresh, goat's blood, Silver stated, "Typically we can ensure LeBron's participation in the playoffs by simply assuring that his team gets every call imaginable. However, this year when he moved to the big boy Western Conference, this intervention was sadly not enough to ensure he would generate the ratings our league needs in order to help raging dumpster fires like the Chicago Bulls reach a value of nearly $3 billion." Silver went on to explain that he has irrefutable evidence that these teams are and have been attempting to prevent LeBron from assuming his rightful place in the NBA Playoffs. The first group of scoundrels are attempting to keep the King from his throne by stooping to the dirtiest trick in the book... they are actually attempting to win more games than the LeBrons. Someone is trying to keep LeBron out of the playoffs? My Spidey-Sense is tingling! Although not as heinous as the first group of scumbags, Silver has it on good authority that each of the teams on the second list was planning to attempt to beat the Lakers in the games in which the teams competed. How dare they?! Luckily it would take a lot more than that to slip something past a 624 year old Vampire. Silver's intervention should ensure that once again our April, May and June is filled with LeBron's patented brand of flopping, deferring, and blaming teammates (or mysterious hand injuries) for losses. Thank you Count Silver. No one ever said your heart had to actually be beating in order to be made of pure gold. Sorry LeBron, not even the master vampire can glamour you into the playoffs this year. Perhaps he can cast a spell that will convince you to stop playing GM... (By the way, The Warriors were intentionally left off the list of teams forced to play LeBron at a disadvantage. Why? Because the Warriors can do whatever the hell they want to.)