Well, the cat's officially out of the bag. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell put all the buzz to rest by admitting that yes, gravity is a force that pulls objects toward the earth.
Actually, Goodell acknowledged something entirely different but equally obvious to anyone with eyeballs and at least two functioning brain cells: NFL Officials royally screwed the pooch by not penalizing the LA Rams' Robey-Coleman with pass interference and helmet-to-helmet contact during the NFC Championship game.
The NFL had been quiet on the matter for over a week. It's possible they were just formulating the correct response, but I think they were hoping modern Americans, with our always-on smartphones and never-ending news cycles, would just get distracted by something else and forget about it.
But we didn't. Us American football fans are smrt!
And like a man whose neighbor lets their bleepity-bleeping yip yap ankle biter dog do its business in our yard repeatedly, we demand justice!
But what exactly does justice look like? Approaching your neighbor in a deceptively friendly manner the next time he walks his dog by your house and then hitting him with a taser, of course.
But what about the no-call in the NFC Championship? Goodell mentioned "instant replay" options.
And here finally, by the grace of God, we reach the issue and the point of this column: As bad as the no-call was, making sure it would never happen again risks making the game unbearable to watch.
As much as I may light-heartedly tease soccer fans (such as referring to it as communist ballet), "fútbol" has one major advantage over football: The action doesn't stop.
Football by its nature is interrupted often, and it's gotten worse in recent years with constant reviews and challenges. Officials have to discuss and debate nearly every play, and some even make pilgrimages to the Himalayan foothills to consult a mystic monk who can offer the answer to the true secret of the universe: What exactly constitutes a "catch"?
Every reception that isn't a clean catch beyond the shadow of a doubt is a cycle of challenge, analysis, and waiting on the review team to make a decision.
Announcer: "Well, the receiver caught the ball with both feet in bounds, tucked it under his arm, sang a lullaby to it and opened a college savings account before he stepped in the end zone, but you can see some daylight right here when he crosses the goal line between his index finger and the ball, so they'll take a look at this one. Tough call."
I may exaggerate ever so slightly, but if you've been watching the NFL, you understand my pain. So perhaps you understand then my hesitancy for the NFL to roll out some sweeping new rule or protocol in answer to the Saints' truly unfortunate no-call.
As horrible as it was, what exactly is the solution?
Do we need to add more officials to the Hall of Justice-like review center in New York? In addition to the red challenge flags, should the NFL provide coaches with a giant flag that reads "What the Hell?!" that they can throw out once a game?
Maybe we should punish the officials themselves by making them read Helen Keller's autobiography over and over and over so they don't take their eye sight for granted again. Or, since every NFL ref apparently feels the need to buff up and look like a meathead, we could just confiscate their Bowflex for a month every time they blow a call so badly.
You may find my suggestions juvenile, but I'd be willing to bet they hold up against whatever the NFL is considering.
Regardless, I hope the changes that result from this terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad blown call help avoid discussions like these in the future. Maybe the NFL can surprise me and find something useful to implement that won't add more painful interruptions to the game.
As for the guy who lets his dog crap in your yard, well, a mature, civil discussion might be in order.
And if that doesn't work, a taser will definitely get results.
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