Soccer / hoplessness

Edit "How to ask for a real asylum? part of the reasons" I can not stand any more emotions of hatred, hate, jealousy, envy, disturbance, noisiness while simply living my life, being happy about small things while disappearing into my privacy and noticing government spies around who are using, abusing, mistreating my trust and manipulating my decisions and emotions. Every day, 24h. It really goes on my nerve. How to protect me from those things? specific cases, crime, problems which are not mine but directed to me in order to do what? Can asylum be an option as I refer this problem to a special friend and then nicely asked what’s wrong? With me seemed everything all right. Then I had to carry their bags for which no one seem grateful. all I heard is go fuck yourself. I do, but someone keeps continually robbing me, following me, talking to me and doing all the mentioned things above. So I referred the problem to another friend who remained in silence. !!!!(Right now there is some man in front of my window starring, offending, yelling at me, let’s say, acquaintance, as its owner of the house where I live with my mom and I feel really bad as we don’t have much money and somehow I feel obligated to stand ongoing crime simply because of place to sleep, food and tobacco and to serve them the best i can and to make someone happy 🙂! I know, I know, “I am just a soul whose intentions are good..”. But there is me and myself in the whole story! There is not much more to see, except pain which is not gladly shared. I also have a sister who is justifying all of those things with the sentence “Don’t blame anyone, find guilt in yourself”. I feel guilty for not living my life, but it is not up to me as those things been happening for too long, in the bus, in the stores, in the bookshop, at coffee center, at University, at doctors, in hospital, at the streets, at a job, at home, at nature, at swimming pool, at yoga center, at sewing course..Wherever I go, whatever I do. Is it like that in the world? So accepting whatever is offered brings me to the point where I don’t want to have a dinner or coffee and ask and wonder and think all the night what the hell you put in my coffee, what the hell you did to me while being unaware, sleepy, lazy, watchful observer which I become from time to time. I really don’t feel good in such a situation, it feels like a bunch of people entering in your room in your sacred space, in your privacy, in your bedroom, in your wallet, in your plans in whatever which makes you happy. Any advice? Except for asylum and I don’t know where to demand it and I don’t know are those reasons good enough to live my life outside of my country as I have been healing myself and getting hurt over and over again. So healing the broken heart and letting the same persons too broke it again doesn’t seem right, nice and ok. While bad things were happening to my family and friends, nobody spoke a word about it, all I saw is someone being curious about my future in such a horrible and unpleasant way. something feels terribly wrong but intuition is telling me that there is something good waiting for me like you know imagine all your dreams coming true and accepting something which is being on your way, but its so hard from time to time to deal with it as “silence isn’t gold when I am holding it inside”, “EXISTENCE IS NOT PLEASURABLE WHEN SOMEONE IS HOLDING AND TRIGGERING A GUN” Constantly catching the eye, disturbing, molesting, torturing the mind, knocking on the door which you open to receiving trash, madness, poison, IMPRECATION to be left empty with sadness or madness of simply falling while trying to live with nobody around, while sleeping, resting, thinking, working, imagining, dreaming, planning focusing on the peace of mind, on the truth, on the leftovers left from the dinner, keeping this as a Hippocratic Oath for the remembrance of all! As soon as I finish with statements and facts somebody will be there to clean it and wipe it out. Perhaps justify it in hope that they will stop As they continue: and I finish: “I DO NOT WANT TO TRAVEL AND LEAVE THIS COUNTRY UNTIL THAT WILL BE ONCE FOR FOREVER AS ESCAPING TO SOMEONE ELSE HOUSE WILL ONLY POSTPONE THE PROBLEM”. Once for forever, why? Me: o.O I just want to live happy and free. “