Jon Lester Just Homered, which can only Mean One Thing: The End is Near

Editor's note: This article is a quick reaction to an odd event seen live during a game. Usually this author only posts polished pieces that have been re-written several times, called Pulitzer-worthy by several different critics, mostly the voices inside his head. So if this doesn't strike you as a particularly great piece, go ahead and comment with your critiques. Just have the decency to upvote it anyway, so everyone else can see what a flaming piece of trash this is.

As I'm writing this, Jon Lester is still catching his breath after rounding the bases following his home run during the Cubs' shellacking of the Pirates. See it here.

It's rare enough that a modern MLB pitcher would clear the fences with a dinger, but rarer still with Lester, whose offensive output has been comically low in his all-star career. (If you Google Lester's batting average, it lists it simply as "0.1", as if even the nerds at Google are saying, "This guy couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel!") It's such an odd occurrence, in fact, that it can only mean one thing: The End is near.

Oh sure, there are some other possible explanations, but none of them stack up. But to play devil's advocate, I'll discuss them here:

Unlikely. I think if anything, he's been working on his golf swing more than his baseball swing.

Isn't it possible that a more likely explanation is that the Pirates' pitching staff was having a rough day?

Yes, it's true that the Pirates weren't doing so hot on the mound (the Cubs' run total did rack up into the double digits) and the announcers were discussing several players possibly hitting for the cycle. But that still doesn't explain how Jon "I'm Only Contractually Obligated to Swing Once Per At Bat" Lester hit a dinger. I think something supernatural must be at work here.

What about environmental factors - maybe the wind at Wrigley was blowing in favor of the hitters, and that's why Lester hit a home run?

That could be a factor. But, if the wind alone explained Lester's homer, batters on both teams would've sent every pitch sailing out of the park, like the Gorillas in this classic Looney Tunes clip:

If a pitcher homered back in the good ole days of baseball, when they were treated like men and not pampered and looked after meticulously by a team of overprotective medical trainers, it would've been no big deal. But in this day and age of multi-million dollar, sometimes-less-than-one-inning, never-more-than-100-pitches specialists, to say it's a bit odd is an understatement. Since Lester, especially, is more likely to hit a leprechaun with a golf cart than he is to hit a home run, it's a sign we all must heed.

And that sign is: the Apocalypse is upon us. Some baseball statistician might note that this is technically not the first time that Lester has homered, but in fact the second third.

"So if a Lester home run meant the world was going to end, wouldn't that have happened already?" these dweebs ask as they push their glasses up on their nose and straighten their pocket protectors. Nay, dear dork; it only means we got lucky the first two times. This time, we can't count on escaping our doom. (The fact that Lester has homered in three straight season makes me think that either he's improved as a hitter, or we are really are on a slow countdown to our last days. I'm still leaning toward the second explanation.)

Go to the ones who mean the most to you, hold them close and tell them how much you love them. (Especially the waiter at B-dubs who gives you extra ranch at no charge.) Give the people who mean the most to you a sign of your feelings for them while you still can.

As I write this, the Cubs are still putting it to the Pirates, something that makes this lifetime fan of the Lovable Losers happy to see.

But regardless of what sport you're watching or whether or not your team is winning, just enjoy the game while you can. For if these signs hold true, it may be the last game we see.

And if I'm wrong, and we all wake up tomorrow and life goes on as normal?

Well, at least I didn't place any money on this bet!