I know, I know, a little too late. I’ll be better next time. I promise. I'll also add fun stuff like pictures and videos next time. Really. I will.
Arizona Cardinals @ Baltimore Ravens
I’m having very conflicting and ambivalent feelings regarding this game. Very conflicting indeed. This game could be a match made in heaven considering we have two of the youngest and most exciting Quarterbacks facing each other. This game has the potential to be a flashy, speedy, high flying and action packed show starring Lamar Jackson and Kyler Murray who miraculously wok the f*ck up in the second half and “lead” his Arizona Cardinals to a tie with the Lions last week (A victory in its own right). This game could be a big show out/come out game for the rookie QB/Coach combo of Kyler Murray and Kliff Kingsburry (both most likely fictional names) but will most likely turn to a 10+ point win for Lamar and the Ravens who were out of this world dominant last week. Definitely a match up to look forward to though. Kyler, Lamar, Hollywood Brown, cool coaches, cool jerseys, trashy cities. A lot of good things going on here. Could be fireworks!
Prediction: Cardinals 27, Ravens 38
San Francisco 49ers @ Cincinnati Bengals
Not much to look forward to here honestly. An over-hyped, overrated 49ers QB in Jimmy “I take porn stars to fancy dinners” Garoppolo. A trashy 49ers defense. Two teams who have been trash for the last several years. A decent ginger QB. This will most likely be a snooze fest where the jerseys don’t even match all that well – orange and red? Meh.
Prediction: 49ers 17, Bengals 20
LA Chargers @ Detroit Lions
Boy oh boy, good ol’ Philip Rivers about to be electric out in the motor city! Electric babyy! Slinging left and right and all over this Detroit defense. Tossing it to Keenan Allen, Mike Williams (if he plays) and Dontrelle Inman, occasionally handing it off to a Austin Ekeler and Justin Jackson, both of whom, were once again ELECTRIC last week! On the Detroit side we’re most likely looking at a classic Lions game: Matthew Stafford leading this team to the now traditional we look pretty good but really not that good and we’re going to lose this one even if we kind of look like we could win. Our coach Matt Patricia looks like there should be beer dripping down that beard at all times and delivering an okay defensive game plan. Only exciting thing here: rookie tight end T.J Hockenson!
Prediction: Chargers 31, Lions 24
Minnesota Vikings @ Green Bay Packers
Could be an interesting one here. We have cool offenses, cool defenses, classic teams from classic football cold as balls cities. A returning Aaron Rodgers, a very super-duper average Kirk Cousins who somehow only threw 10 times last week and managed to win. Could be an interesting game. Plus, we really don’t know who the Packers are. Soooo, I mean… This could be a close one. Just for fun I’m taking Green Bay because their QB has a funky 80s cop mustache and their fans are called CHEESERS! Fokkin Cheesers aye!
Prediction: Vikings 17, Packers 21
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Houston Texans
Oh my goddddd! You need to watch this! Really! Just google Gardner Minshew. That’s all you need to know. Deshaun Watson and the boys from H-town taking this one though. Probably. You can never really know with that dude Gardner huh!
Prediction: Jaguars 21, Texans 31
New England Patriots @ Miami Dolphins
If you want to see dominance and an entirely noncompetitive thing watch this one! Not even close!
Prediction: Patriots HOWEVER MANY THEY FEEL LIKE, Dolphins Maybe 10? Probly 3
Buffalo Bills @ New York Giants
The only reason you’d want to watch this is Saquon Barkley. That’s it. This is bound to be terrible, awful, disgusting and sloppy.
Prediction: Bills 7, Giants 13
Seattle Seahawks @ Pittsburgh Steelers
Could be great, could be not so great. Steelers looked terrible against the Pats wk 1. Seahawks looked like their typical we’re good but really not that good but we’re going to somehow (Russell Wilson) win a lot of games. A LOT OF ATTITUDE HERE. Plus Roethlisberger looks like he’d rather be eating a lot of Taco Bell and drinking Bud Lights. Coaches are super cool here too.
Prediction: Seahawks 17, Steelers 20
Indianapolis Colts @ Tennessee Titans
Don’t know, don’t care. Titans probably win and somehow move to 2-0. The Andrew Luck thing too much to overcome.
Prediction: Colts 13, Titans 24
Dallas Cowboys @ Washington Redskins
This one is simple: Cowboys are too damn good on both sides of the ball. I mean Dak, Zeke, Amari Cooper, Randall Cobb, Old man Whitten, fokkin Leighton Van der Esch and those boys on D. America's team! The Boys in Blue! The Cowboys are back babyyy! Redskins totally average. Not bad. Average. Very average indeed.
Prediction: Cowboys 38, Redskins 24
Kansas City Chiefs @ Oakland Raiders
Wowie zowie! This will be a lot fun! Patty Mahomie (MVP/future GOAT anyone) always fun. The KC weapons always fun. The KC offense always a ridiculous amount of fun. Andy Reid’s walrus lookin’ ass always fun. John Gruden always fun. Raiders offense last week surprisingly a lot fun. Raiders defense somehow also fun. Cool black jerseys always fun. Raiders awful terrible old stadium always funny.
Prediction: Chiefs 31, Raiders 28
Chicago Bears @ Denver Broncos
Prediction: Bears 13, Broncos 10
New Orleans Saints @ LA Rams
Must watch. Must watch! MUST. WATCH!!! Rematch of last years Conference match-up, which ended in an extremely controversial non-call PI. I mean both gangs are epic. EPIC. This will be awesome. Just cause I have roots in Long Beach I’m taking the Rams here.
Prediction: Saints 24, Rams 27
Philadelphia Eagles @ Atlanta Falcons
This is easy. Philly Eagles with the dub here! ATL has cool rappers, strip clubs, wings and stuff like that. Once upon a time they also had a cool football team they say. One that even made the Super Bowl they say. One that really REALLY should have won one. They also say that they blew the biggest lead in NFL history. The story goes that after that they changed their offensive coordinator and retrieved back to their Falcons/Matt Ryan self and became extremely average once again. I don’t know though, that’s just how the story goes.
Prediction: Eagles 27, Falcons 17
Browns will win on Monday. I hope.