First of all. Happy Friday guys and gals! Hope you all had an excellent week and are ready to enjoy a full weekend of drinking way too much, eating way too much and binge-watching ALL the Netflix that god has made available for you to watch! Hopefully that does not actually apply to most of you. Either way, for a second I thought about doing this before the star-studded Thursday night show that the NFL always does such a great job of scheduling… I mean this time around they gave us the hard-hitting match up of the ever-incredible Tennessee (f*cked up word to write huh) Titans and the always world-beating Jacksonville Jaguars. What a game! But then I remembered that the Jacksonville Jaguars have Gardner Minshew and quickly realized that the outcome of that game is as clear as Instagram video blue-ass water. And BOOM Gardner, of course, came through. 20 – 7! And good god am I happy that through a series of happy coincidences I ended up not watching that game. Still, super happy for my boy Gardner and his papi who’s name I don’t know but dude would most likely beat the living hell out of at least half of the NFL. I mean look at the guy! LOOK. AT. HIM. That’s a man’s man. Now I understand how a Gardner Minshew gets done.
Now let’s get to the action!
Cincinnati Bengals @ Buffalo Bills
Now I understand how at first glance this looks like some boring sh*t and you’d rather watch Keeping Up With the Kardashains (very underrated show imo) than this. But don’t come to conclusions just yet young sir. Don’t you run away like Kim from that average basketball player that was her husband before Kanye. Trust me, as I’ve stated in previous articles, the Bills look like a decent team this year. Josh Allen’s coming along stronger than I ever expected and the Bills actually have a defense and a really really good coaching staff to back the man, with the undisputed hottest NFL mom around, up. The Bengals, keep In mind, have so far played the Seahawks (2-0) and 49ers (2-0), both of whom I by the way praised in my previous NFL article and in week 1 the Bengals actually gave the Seahawks a run for their money just narrowly loosing 20-21. Also keep in mind, our favorite ginger Andy Dalton has an offensive-minded Head Coach for the first time (mainly though, the guy’s name isn’t Marvin Lewis) and they’ve been getting used to each other and sometimes actually looking formidable. Considering the fact that Cinci got the living hell beaten out of them by the Niners last week (17-41) I’ll go with somewhat of an upset… I guess. And say that the Bengals will bounce back and take the dub and their first win of the year in this one.
Prediction: Bengals 24, Bills 17
Miami Dolphins @ Dallas Cowboys
I’m being quite serious here when I say that if the Dolphins lose this one by 30 + I’ll just skip them in this EVERY SINGLE TIME no matter who they play, Panther, Buccaneers… I mean you name it. The chances of that happening? Even higher than your girl falling in love Gardner Minshew’s dad, i.e. MOST LIKELY.
Prediction: Dolphins 0, Cowboys 41
Denver Broncos @ Green Bay Packers
Now this my friends will be the boring game you imagined under the Bengals-Bills one. Somehow the Broncos haven’t even gotten a sack all year yet. And their QB is Joe Flacco! Flacco man! I mean Flacco and 0 sacks is a bad bad recipe. Rodgers is going to be okay again and win. Do yourself a favor and DO NOT watch this okay.
Prediction: Broncos 13, Packers 27
Atlanta Falcons @ Indianapolis Colts
Again dude, I just… I don’t want to watch this. It’s going to be another one of these meh games. Like mid teens to low twenties for both teams. Like everything here just yells average and boring. Nothing here makes you excited. With the Dolphins-Cowboys game you can at least make fun of the Dolphins while watching the Cowboys tear them up. Here? Jacoby Brissett – meh. Matt Ryan – big meh. Colts defense – little meh. I mean really, we could go on and on like this. Forever. The only cool thing here is the way Dirk Koetter looks.
Prediction: Falcons 17, Colts 20
Baltimore Ravens @ Kansas City Chiefs
This is a game of epic proportions, epic magnitude. The perfect game for the NFL Films footage of the ball slow-mo spinning and flawlessly flying through the air on 60 yard bombs. And all those cool clips of slow-mo toe-drag catches and slow-mo diving catches and slow-mo jumping over Defensive backs catches. What a game this is going to be. What a game. Even though the Ravens have been spectacular, you still obviously have to give the offensive edge to KC and even though the Chiefs has been better on D (pause), you still have to obviously give the defensive edge to the boys from Baltimore. And somehow still man… This thing couldn’t have been set up better, A true blessing. Let’s cherish it. Two great young quarterbacks, I mean really, probably the two most entertaining dudes there are. They both got the athleticism and the MASSIVE guns to fire it 60 + yards down the field on every single play. This could really go either way. Either the Ravens D makes Mahomes look human again (pun intended) or Lamar falls back to earth. Just for fun’s sake I’ll say I’m taking the Ravens here. Also, this game is going to be lower scoring than we think. But still dude, this thing is going to have all the big game mojo you could ever wish for. It’ll be like a playoff game… In week 3! Oh man I can’t wait.
Prediction: Ravens 27, Chiefs 24
Oakland Raiders @ Minnesota Vikings
This will be similar to the Falcons-Colts game but more fun. Both these teams, I feel, are better than either the Colts or the Falcons and again man, I’ll stick with my “the Raiders are fun” theory. Black jerseys, John Gruden, they look like a whole bunch of mess at all times. Dude I mean… The Vikings, I’m sure, still think they got like some kind of shot at a conference championship or something (the cold city people always up to something funny). Fact of the matter with the prediction here is, that I already told you people that I see the Raiders as a playoff team this year and that I have faith in the David Carr – John Gruden combo. So… That means that the Raiders are for sure going to win this one right… Right?
Prediction: Raiders 17, Vikings 10
New York Jets @ New England Patriots
Not much to say here.
Prediction: Jets 3, Patriots 31
Detroit Lions @ Philadelphia Eagles
I mean I know that all the Lions fans will think they have a team and a chance to win this. But. No. Just no… It’s the same thing with the Lions every year: Anywhere between 5 and 8 wins. A really good year they win 9. This is not one of those really good years. Eagles take this pretty easy. It’s going to look close the whole time but we’re all going to pretty much know. We’ll know. One of those games.
Prediction: Lions 20, Eagles 27
Carolina Panthers @ Arizona Cardinals
Cam or no Cam. In my opinion it doesn’t really make a difference. There’s not much to say about the Panthers that I haven’t already; they’re trash. Basura. The Cardinals and the Kyler – Kliff combo, which is somehow really growing on me, will pick up its first ever win. I’m really looking forward to that.
Panthers 10, Cardinals 23
New York Giants @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
This would be a must avoid at all costs have the Giants not named Daniel Jones as their starter. Now… I like Daniel Jones, contrary to most, I actually think he wasn’t that bad of a pick. His first game could either go great and they’ll win or it could really really bad and everybody will be face-palming themselves and crying and complaining on Twitter and crying out for the firing of the Giants from the NFL. I’m going with the second option. I’ll still tune in for a sec, Danny Duke COULD come out like a savior in this one.
Prediction: Giants 6, Buccaneers 17
Houston Texans @ LA Chargers
This will be a fun game man. These two teams are like right below the top-tier in the league this year. Deshaun is always entertaining and Philip Rivers’ 9 child having ass is always somewhat fun as well. Both these teams have a real defense and it’ll for sure be fun watching the Chargers trying to rack their sack stats up. I mean everybody always does against the Texans.
Texans 24, Chargers 17
New Orleans Saints @ Seattle Seahawks
Check game above for description. I am kinda curious how Teddy Bridgewater will do though. I like Teddy. I hope Teddy does okay. I hope Teddy doesn’t get hurt. Big Alvin Kamara fan by the way. Big Russell Wilson fan too. Big Sean Payton fan also. I too, have found Pete Carroll fun since his USC days. Two of the teams (AND coaches) with the most attitude here. If Teddy does okay it’s going to be better than above mentioned game above.
Prediction: Saints 20, Seahawks 23
Pittsburgh Steelers @ San Francisco 49ers
Not much to see here. Steelers drop to 0-3. Niners offense parties like it’s 1989 and Steve Young is tossing bombs to good ol’ Jerry Rice.
Prediction: Steelers 13, 49ers 36
LA Rams @ Cleveland Browns
Now this is an interesting one. Aside from the fact that it’s my two favorite teams (Rams of course number 1). The thing with this game is that the Browns have NOTHING to lose here. If they win, we all say: “The Browns are so awesome! They finally got it together! They beat the Rams!” If they lose we go: “Oh well, we all kind of knew this would happen anyway...” If they lose by like 3 or something we’re gonna go: “Well okay, they lost to this really good Rams team. But only by 3! The Browns look real man… They ARE good after all. They’re still gonna make the playoffs! I have confidence in them now!” But if the Rams lose it all gets a little iffy. First they’re offense isn’t as smoking hot as it was last year. Gurly really doesn’t look that amazing either and Aaron Donald hasn’t hit DPOY levels yet. Now they lose to the Browns… The Browns? All of a sudden we get to: “Now bro, the Rams ain’t that hot this year huh. Not sure if I trust Goff that much…” Plus the game is in Cleveland where the whole state of Ohio will be losing their brains (nobody likes the Bengals). So like. I’m really looking forward to this. Rams winning after all though.
Prediciton: Rams 23, Browns 20
We end this post just like we started this post: with a really really bad game. Minus Gardner Minshew.
I don’t know I don’t care.
Prediction: Bears 16, Redskins 13
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