If you are an NBA franchise who is simply fed up with free agents constantly calling to join your team, then I have the perfect plan for you.

Step 1 : Be the Chicago Bulls

Sad Bull... or saddest Bull ever?

Actually that is the entire plan. But I must warn you, it is not easy to become the perfect free agent repellent.

First, you need to get lucky enough to draft the greatest player of all time, surround him with a great supporting cast, bring in a coach who knows how to manage egos, win 6 Championships with them... and then purposely blow it all up and publicly boast that "Players and coaches alone don't win championships, organizations win championships."

Then choose to keep the general manager who made that statement over the coach who could have kept the G.O.A.T. playing. Next, refuse to fire that GM after watching him drive the team directly into the dirt. After several years as a laughing stock, finally give that GM a new title and bring in another GM.

Then watch that GM drive the team directly into the dirt, promote him to Executive Vice President, and have him oversee the next GM as he ... wait for it... drives the team directly into the dirt.

Actual footage of every Bulls "rebuilding" plan for the past 20 years.

Hiring a completely incompetent coach doesn't hurt either. Filling the roster with players that don't even fit that over matched coach's style is even better.

But is that really enough to scare away every free agent?

I doubt it. So let's go a bit further.

After a year of losing on purpose, sign a restricted free agent who received no other offers and whose team renounced his rights for no nothing in return. Then hold the worst introductory press conference ever that includes the $20 million per year bragging that he refuses to play defense. Even when reporters try to throw him a life line and toss a softball question like "But if a teammate gets beat, you would cover the offensive player on the switch right?" To which the genius would say something to the effect of, "Nah. That's his problem. My job is to score."

This is the closest Parker has been to the guy he is defending all year.

Continue by firing the incompetent coach who lost control of a locker room filled with players who don't play defense and who were told to lose for a season. Then replace him with an old school hard ass who brags that he is going to make NBA millionaires run suicides on their days off. (I can't think of anything that would scare away players faster than the prospect of playing for an old school hard ass with absolutely no credibility or experience in the league! )

If you can get the players to contemplate a mutiny 6 days into the hard ass's coaching tenure, that would also help. Toss in a few calls to the player's union to see if the coach can really make exhausted and injured players practice like a Freshman Basketball team who got caught smoking under the bleachers, and you are nearly there.

Nearly there?

How could this plan to drive away every single free agent be any better than all of that?

For the cherry on top... bench the $20 million free agent and tell him he is out of the rotation. But make sure you do it before he is eligible to be traded to ensure he has absolutely no trade value at all.

Yep that will do it.

If you are looking for Basketball Hell, you can find it at 1901 W Madison St, Chicago, IL 60612.

It's right next to the statue of that guy who you didn't think was as important as a joke of a GM who thought he could woo Tracy McGrady with a jazz band and Benny the Bull.

Organizations win championships...